The dark side...

There are days I want to slam my fist into the wall out of frustation because I see him falling apart and I can't fix it.  I look back on where we were and I see how far we've come.  Now we just about break even with good and bad days.

The raw emotion--pain, passion, anger--paired with the lyrics pull tears out of me every single time I hear it.  The first time I heard it was on the radio and I had to pull over.  Weeping, deep soul sobs choking me in a strangers driveway.


"We're not broken, we're just bent..."

Months ago I reminded him that I was here to stay.  Not quitting.  And certainly not quitting over this. The man I fell in love and vowed to cherish for the rest of our lives is still in there.  I've seen more of him in the last couple of months than I have in years.

But the demons are still there as well.  I'm the buffer between him and the world.  I'm tougher than I look...but I feel it taking it's toll.

Buried treasures...

This evening, while digging around for a particular photograph, I came across the journal I kept through bootcamp and my first couple of years in the Navy.  My last entry was simply the first stanza of A Psalm of Life by the incredible wordsmith, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow...

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,

Life is but an empty dream! 

For the soul is dead that slumbers,

And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest! 

And the grave is not its goal; 

Dust thou art, to dust returnest,

Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,

Is our destined end or way; 

But to act, that each to-morrow

Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,

And our hearts, though stout and brave,

Still, like muffled drums, are beating

Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world’s broad field of battle,

In the bivouac of Life,

Be not like dumb, driven cattle! 

Be a hero in the strife! 

Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant! 

Let the dead Past bury its dead! 

Act,— act in the living Present! 

Heart within, and God o’erhead! 

Lives of great men all remind us

We can make our lives sublime,

And, departing, leave behind us

Footprints on the sands of time; 

Footprints, that perhaps another,

Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,

Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,

With a heart for any fate; 

Still achieving, still pursuing,

Learn to labor and to wait. 

The one on Balance.

Today I...

Cleaned out my classroom and packed up personal items, toys and books I didn't want to be out for summer camp kiddos to use.  I'll be moving rooms in September.  My third year teaching at the preschool and my third room move.  Consistency is good.

Frosted two dozen mini cupcakes for our last Cub Scout pack meeting of the school year.  It was a delightful cookout and award ceremony at one of the local parks.  I've got quite a few arrowheads to sew on the boy's uniform before he starts day camp in two weeks!

Cooked up a large batch of white play dough for himself to use as training aides for he and his fellow bomb techs.  And then spent time explaining to the wee girl that daddy wanted it white and coloring it purple wouldn't quite have the effect he was going for.  She would have to take that argument up with him.

Created a pair of delicate pink ballet slippers out of gumpaste for a cake order this weekend.

There are days it seems more like a tight rope act, but today was not one of those days. Balanced but without the wobbly bits.


*This was supposed to post yesterday (Monday) but didn't because the internet gods were not pleased.  Today I played on the playground with 14 kiddos ages 2-5 all morning.  Then came home and hung out with my own two and baked a most delicious chocolate cake for a co-workers birthday/going away party tomorrow.  Some people don't enjoy their jobs, they merely bide their time and collect a paycheck. I am not one of those people.

Conversation just now...

Back story...my loving, enabling yet supportive husband gave me a gift card for my birthday.  A gift card to a local (highly recommended) tattoo and piercing establishment to get my nose repierced.  I finally find myself with time to use it and have an appointment with the piercer person on Saturday.  We also recently discovered a local brewery of tasty beverages exists, tucked away on our end of town that we've been wanted to go by and tour for ourselves.

Him:  If your appointment is for 12:30 tomorrow the kiddos and I can drop you off then go find the brewery and see if they'll refill my growler.

Me:  Right.  So the plan is...drop Mama off at the tattoo parlor to get her nose pierced and Daddy takes the kiddos to the brewery.  Excellent.  Make it so.

Him:  Or, we could just all hang out with you, help you pick out jewelry and then all go to the brewery together.

Me:  Oh...and the wee girl can look through pictures and find fairy princess tattoos that we'll tell her she can't have.  Perfect! It'll be like our own warped family field trip.  I like it!

Needless to say, our Saturday plans are still a little up in the air.

Milestones...

Our preschool has a rite of passage tradition for "graduating" students...

they get to leave their handprint on the wall.  

This week was the wee girl's turn.  Purple wasn't an option so she chose red...

And, with a little help from the preschool director 

(aka The One Who Signs My Paychecks), 

she left her mark on the school.  

Right next to the stairs I'll walk up and down every day...

This morning, their bags were brought down from the 3rd floor.  

All ready for pick up after the End of Year program.  

Her's caught my eye as I was walking down the hallway and I couldn't stop the tears...

She was all smiles for the pre-K performance.

Cautiously walking across the bridge, symbolizing "crossing over" to kindergarten.  Her teacher this year was the same one her brother had.  The fact she taught both of my children is reason enough to nomiate her to Super Hero!  And, for the record, all of these pictures were taken through tears.  

My hard, crusty surface cracked big time this week!

A picnic lunch of popcorn, hotdogs, lemonade and snowcones 

rounded off the celebration!

I know she's more than ready for her next great adventure.  I'm excited for her.  I'm proud of her.  And I can't wait to see what all life has in store for her.  

But that doesn't mean I can't miss the baby girl she once was.

SImple joys...

This evening I had a wee girl curl up on my lap...jammy clad, her hair still damp from the shower.  I asked her if she was going to pick out a book to read before bed.

"No, Mommy.  You choose."

"Alexander?"

"No.  Can we read your Batman book?"

"Always, baby girl.  Always."

I may have choked up just a little.

Unexpected delights...

A tree has grown along our back fence.  I recently discovered it covered in mulberries.  Various stages of ripeness...kiddos and I enjoyed a few this afternoon. 

A patch of irises previous owners had planted have stubbornly refused to bloom the past couple of years.  This year, they changed their mind...

The inchworms were ruthless this year. By far and above the worst I've ever seen.  Our front azalea bushes were devoured before we could even enjoy the brillent springtime blooms.  Other tender plants were also consumed...the miniature pests left a path of leafless, flowerless plants in their wake.  Imagine my surprise to find the wandering rose in full bloom!

And the benefits of an open compost pit... guerrilla pumpkin plants!  Wonderful rich soil, already shielded from the raccoons and various other critters who have been known to view our veggie patch as an all you can eat buffet.  Once the fruit starts to grow I may just attach little hammock for them on the fence...a little vertical garden.  And start a new compost pit elsewhere. 

Unexpected delights, indeed!